Is parenthood making us selfish ?

 I had this thought running in my mind for a long time now that Parenthood with all that it brings along with it , the happiness , emotional upheaval , and tons of other little known dimensions of life , to a new parent , also tends to make some- if not all , selfish . With our thoughts hooked around the idea of providing and provisioning for our kid's needs and securing their future in whatever ways possible , are we losing the ability to think on a broader spectrum of life itself ? Are we limiting ourselves to taking care and securing the lives of our kids ?  Did you lose your ability to genuinely care for the well being and development of the society including but not limited to just our kids ?  The answer to these questions were a daunting  'Yes'  for me. 

I feel like if we start to be more inclusive of the people around we would probably be able to be a better parent as well. If we become better humans we would nurture better humans at home too. If we start caring about the less privileged , start showing compassion to people around , start sharing from what we have , we would nurture these qualities at home , the basic unit of a society.

What prompted me to write this post is a conversation I had with a friend of mine. I came to know her through  a school WhatsApp group ; which has been very active in recent days due to the remote learning atmosphere that our kids are through. She always radiated positive energy , vibrance and genuine care for all the kids  in the group every time she coordinated and planned activities for them.Every conversation that I had with her left a very positive impact on me that I started talking about her at home and even to my parents and friends.

She is a mother of 2 very active and happy young boys ; the elder one is my son's classmate and good friend. The younger boy is around my younger son's age . For most play dates that I take my elder son my younger one tags along and get to play with younger siblings of his brother's friends. I have always been mesmerized with the ease with which she handles the typical tandrums of the boys not just hers but also all the kids there. The attentiveness and parental skills that she display has never missed to catch my attention. 

It was a normal play date where I decided to join the boys along with her, now that I was off work and seeking all options to keep myself engaged and out of the house. I noticed that her younger son had lost a tooth and casually checked about it. She explained to me that while he was with his foster parents his tooth had some trauma and had to be removed recently. That was the first time I knew that her second child was an adopted child. It was so much a bolt in the blue for me that  I couldn't hide my bewilderment. Knowing how difficult it was to handle two boys myself ,  meeting all their emotional and mental needs  especially the conflicting and competitive needs for attention , I was shocked.

 I had always wondered how she had the compassion and empathy to care for all the kids in the group not showing the slightest distinction between her kid and others in the group. Now I had the answer. 

She had trained herself and her family the big lesson of sharing , caring and giving from what they had. The big lesson of being able to consider and include someone not yours as yours or in fact  more than yours ! She has done her bit to teach the Big lesson of Love! A love beyond relations and selfishness !

Parenthood needn't always be selfish - it can actually teach you how much the world needs parents that can treat others as your own. It teaches you to understand how unfathomably unfortunate some lives in this world can be and enable you to do the little you can to make this a better place.

Morning Walk

Flowers still bloom and birds do sing ,

Colors still bright and music still soothing.

Though all stay at safe distance , get closer to nature when you can.

Getting Moms back to work

Getting Moms back to work is a topic that keeps coming to me every now and then when I talk to many friends who work after being moms to support the family or who stopped working to take care of the new little life they are responsible for. Being a  mom myself who have worked most of my motherhood and left working for keeping the family together due to location constraints of the job; I kind of really get it when people talk about working mothers. This I think is a  cause I am passionate about and have been researching a lot about .

One thing I'm sure - All ; ladies or gents ; moms or otherwise need to be independent !
Will try to post as many resources as I collect which can help us stay independent - financially and emotionally.

Responsible

Be responsible to anything- (an event , idea or person )- that moves YOU !
Don't let it pass before you take action on !

Savor the moment !

Relishing and enjoying every blessing in life is  one of the keys to unlock happiness.

In the hard times of today with negative news flooding all around enjoy every single blessing in your life - the laughter of your kid in the living room, the sun shining outside , the glass of pure drinking water , the green leaves on the tree dancing to the gentle breeze , the moment of silence you get for yourself - enjoy all of these !

Pause and enjoy the moment for everything that life has to offer.

Slow down and Savor the moment !

Let life flow while you stand still !

Twin Peaks , Marshall's Beach - Weekend getaway

Twin peaks was our destination today and on the way back stumbled upon ' Marshall beach' - that offers one of the best views of the Golden gate bridge in  all its grandeur.

We started around 11:00 am from home expecting nothing more than a usual weekend getaway where the kids get some fresh air and place to run around and vent out their energy. Twin Peaks is around 30 miles from Dublin , in San Fransisco. The peaks are few miles away from high rise city of SF  giving a panoramic view of the SF downtown , Golden Gate bridge , Bay Bridge and Richmond bridge.

After clicking few pics with the backdrop of the city we started driving back after a quick lunch  at Mel's drive in . We love sunsets at beaches and hence decided to google for nearby beaches when we navigated to  ' Marshall's beach'.

With around 300 steps down from the parking lot ; the walk  presented itself to be a small trekking trail and what emerged at the end was a breathtaking view of the 'Golden gate bridge'  across the mighty waves of the beach.

A perfect spot for an SF frame - the beach presented the perfect backdrop for the mighty bridge.

The sun had slowly started to set when we finally decided to climb up to the parking lot after enjoying the waves , fresh air and family time.

In memory of a beautiful family day.

Point Reyes - Weekend getaway

Picturesque drive , clear blue sea waters, straight cut rock formations, a lighthouse overlooking the Pacific Ocean - a day trip to Point Reyes in Marin county of Northern California was soothing  to the eyes and comforting to the heart. Rich in flora and fauna the place offers a feast to nature lovers in varied forms - whales , varieties of birds , horny elks and myriad of succulents.

Being a cape that extends into sea the place is foggy and windy most of the time making the drive a romantic experience in itself. 

Rock formations , water bodies , endless stretch of pristine blue water, estuaries , grasslands , redwood trees - nature reveals the mighty hands of 'God the Creator'.

" For my hand made all these things ; Thus all these things came into being ," declares the lord "But to this one I will look , to him who is humble and contrite of spirit and who trembles at My word ." Isaiah 66:2

Keep Going Ladies !

Ladies in general and working mothers in particular are an awe and inspiration to me. They are magnificent  and doing a  multitude of tasks - multi tasking , parallel processing and managing expectations of a score of people at home and office all at the same time. When I look up at the so called career ladder at the organisation that I work and my contacts in general; not many ladies I know are functioning at their full potential at work ( or home which I can vouch in my case  ) ; the way they were prior to entering the maternity phase of life.

My mom was working and the way my parents coordinated the tasks hand in hand ( with a  bit of fights here and there for sharing tasks of course) mind in mind never made me realize the difficulty for a working woman in particular to manage family with job until I got into the same phase of life.
I once asked my mom ; how come you never told me that it was so difficult to manage family with work and her answer was that she wanted it to be my unbiased choice.

So I am -  Graduated at 22 from a good engineering college in Kerala  in free seat ( yes 1000 Rs/- a year) ( with a  University second rank -all merits to the good memory that time to easily mug up ) , landed a decent job at campus , became a  Team Lead / Technical Lead in 3 years , got married at 26, became a mom at 27 , joined back work in 6 months and is working as Technical lead ever since till now . I have manged to work even after having 2 kids but there has been no growth whatsoever. Have continued to play the Technical Lead role for the last 10 years. Going to work became more of a burden than giving a feeling of accomplishment or fulfillment. The last 2 projects that I delivered did not excel - factors are numerous and people accountable are many - but I am aware that I could not do what was needed to excel the project delivery. Got released from a project after the project go-live. While I'm in bench looking for new projects I decided to see what can be done better to lead a  more fulfilling life. Life has been a  run or rush every single day with no time whatsoever for me.

Why do I work ? Work makes me feel independent and secure and it has been a grace of god that so far I've been able to manage work with family , co-locating to my  husbands work locations.
I generally do better at home when I work and have a  better time schedule and 'feel-good' when I work. I want my kids to grow up knowing / seeing that women can be successful professionally and do not want them to differentiate ladies to be 'stay at home' .There is no denying the fact that at times you have this guilt feeling that  kids are missing you .But my observation so far is that it is generally better to have kids go out and interact with other kids in the daycare or after school to have better inter personal interaction and vent out their ever high energy levels.

Being optimistic that I've it in me to  pull everything together - and lead a fulfilling life; I'm starting to look at options to ease the tasks at home and office . The more I look into the tasks at hand the more I appreciate the quantum of tasks that any average Indian lady handles at home or/and work. Especially in cases where you have to live for work outside of India and both husband and wife are working ,there is very no affordable domestic help available , no help to care for the kids  . There is definitely more work than can actually be managed .

Trying to pen down few very obvious action points :

1. Me - time is a must and not an option. Figure out this very precious time and decide on what you would do to re energize. It has to be a 30 mins every single day doing what you love the most.

2. Reskill / Upskill as long as you are in the IT industry. Dedicate an Hour a  day ( preferably while at work ) to learn some thing new and keep getting industry recognized certifications to add to your resume.No job in IT is permanent and you need to sell your skills.

3. Do not underestimate the tasks at home . There is a  lot of work and take every single step to make it easy. It is easy to plan and mange office work - work or appointments at home also need to be planned with equal or more accuracy and commitment.

4. Get into a  job that makes you feel happy or worthy of the efforts taken for the same. Else be open to quit and look out for activities / jobs that would help to feel more fulfilled in life.

Signing off  with a tight hug to all the working ladies out there who are trying to pull things together.

"You May encounter many defeats ,

but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats ,

so you can know who you are,

what you can rise from,

how you can still come out of it "

                                                                             - Maya Angelou

Confidence and Friends !

Confidence is the most important quality that helps to keep us going even during the toughest of situations that life offers. It is one quality that keeps you floating when the tides are most turbulent so never let go off your life jacket. Hold tight .

Situations in life especially those that you come across in the professional circle  can sometimes be so brutal at accusations , fault finding and blame game that you actually need a  good circle of well wishers , friends ,family support and above all good grit and determination to know your worth and keep going.It is so important to have that close knit of friends and family to cheer you up.




Never let go of your best friends ever ! Keep them close and stay connected.

The below 2 points from a  session for working mothers had me thinking :

1. Learn to say NO. Humans in general are conditioned to say yes and it sometimes becomes a habit to say Yes to all the work and choices that we come across. At times it is so important to say NO to what you think is not your job , not your choice at the moment.
2.It is okay and sometimes good to Quit than to stay glued to the mediocre.
Picture Courtesy : From the internet

Aiden woke up sick today morning. It makes me immensely sad to see my hyperactive boy feeling low in energy.
He had fever yesterday but was kind of okay today but not to his usual high spirit levels.
I was under pressure in Office for timing issues and frequent leaves that I had to avail the previous month.

Here is a gist of conversation that I had with Aiden in the morning:

" Aiden kutta can you please try to wake up and get ready for school "
" Yes - but I'm feeling sick mummy"
"Ok - you take rest"
He wakes up after 30 minutes
" Can you please stay back home with me ."
" I may end up losing my job Aiden "
" Ok ..you tell them your son is sick and if you still lose your job ; You will definitely get a  better job" with an extra emphasis
on 'Definitely' and 'Better' "

My Boy Rocks ..Cheers to his good spirit !

Dadri Mob Lynching

Driving to Work

One of the very frequent comments that I make when someone comments on driving skills is
 ' that is one skill I wouldn't have survived without  and that is probably more useful to me in doing my work than having done my graduation' - and I mean it.

I drive almost 40 km up and down  - that in Bangalore traffic , road condition and my driving pace is almost 2 hours a day. And my ride has not always been the perfect , smooth drive. I've had my share of accidents - honks, stares, reprimands on roads - half to my mistakes and half since most people behind the wheels are frustrated themselves.
The worst of these was in the initial days of the car - when my son was hardly a year old and we were on  the village roads of Kerala- narrow , uphill and curvy all at the same time and the exact time for a small packet kept in front of the car to topple over , natural instinct took my hands off the steering and off  the car goes to kiss the curvy wall ahead-  which resulted in a close to 20,000 Rs/- repair for the car.  Thankfully nothing else happened and all of us were safe. Somehow completed the drive that day - reached the destination and gave the car to the service station. But I think I did not take the car for few months after that. Leaving that and the recent minor hit against our campus gate - I thank god the car has been reasonably safe.
The major advantage of knowing to drive is the flexibility it gives. We live in a  place which is outskirts of the city and commuting to work would have been a real challenge had I not known to drive. Also the comfort it offers is kind of a necessity to be regular at work. Directly linked to this flexibility is the freedom it offers - freedom to be self reliant and independent. I love driving and I do understand why Pappa was so insistent on me learning to drive as soon as turned 18.

A selfie behind the wheels and a pic of my license...:)

1 month to completing 10 years of Work Life

Here comes a blog marathon to completion of 10 years of Work Life. A small attempt at renewing this space  and also to capture some good moments with the company . Hopefully there will be more frequent posts this way.

I joined Wipro on Oct 24th 2005 which means by next month this time I would be completing 10 years with the company.10 years just flew ...Not that I didnot ever wanted to change company , but the reasons did not last long enough for me to have actually tried my best at it. And most of the time I got what I needed the most important ones being , a near to 7 month work from home during the months before my  maternity and a  much sought after flexibility after I joined back from maternity - This I would highlight as a  SINGLE most important reason for having decided to stay back and also to have continued working itself. The period after maternity is the most important period in any working woman's life - when they need the actual hand holding by the company to start back to work. It was reasonably good for me - but I think it was more to do with the managers I worked for rather than the company or industry as  a  whole. This IS an area where the private sector as a  whole and IT industry in particular need to have a more holistic approach and vision for the well being of the society.

Signing off for today

The missing piece

While trying to fix,
The puzzle of life,
I come across you - The missing piece.

The missing piece
that not lets me happy
in spite of reasons numerous to be..

The missing piece
that not lets me feel perfect
though I plan diligently to be..

The missing piece
that not lets me feel in place
though I'm in harmony where I'm...

The missing piece
My Faith
My Self
My Past
My better half
My Loss

P.S: Photo courtesy Internet

As you turn 5.....

My life outside of me   ,

I have been writing this letter for a  real long time in my head and I'm finally putting it down here...This is probably the last birthday that I can say with confidence that I know you better than what you know of yourself...Yes at this point of time it is true..Your Mamma knows you better than you- or so I feel.

You are such a lovely darling my dear...so caring so loving so compassionate so very lovely.
I have not had  a single complaint whatsoever from any of your friends so far that you have hurt them in any ways...I feel proud that you would probably not be able to hurt anyone..you are such a   loving being.
You are a  perfectionist by nature .. You love a  tidied room, a  neatly laid bed...you love your toys in place- keep this up with  slight room for adjustment and also take the responsibility to tidy up once messed up...:)

You are an introvert by nature - which I feel is fine and are very choosy of your friends...which is again very fine since that is how all of us are.We all love being with people we love.One thing I would like to tell you at this point - Our choices may not always be responded to and we should  learn to cope up with rejections and still move on happily..:)

You love being well dressed - this trait of yours is from your Pappa; which your Mamma by nature doesn't care. You love Nature - Birds are your favorite and you love listening to bird sounds and try to differentiate them on their sounds.You love plants  and  beeches . You have an in born hatred towards reptiles and insects. Everytime you see an ant or a  spider you are the first to look out for options to kill it and you do it with such vigor I wonder why so much hatred...:)

You love your friends and cousins - Pinkus is your all time favorite. You love taking care of her and love being respected by her...In short you love playing the 'big brother' role. You love your parents- you enjoy the comfort of being just with your Pappa and Mamma - thats all needed to make it a  good day for you..:)

You love running and enjoy dancing - anybody who knows your mom till her college days would easily guess the reason for your likeness towards running- your dad and me are yet to come to an agreement on this though -Anyways to keep off the dispute I give all credit to your dad for your dance genes :)

You have an inherent fear of God and as 'Fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom' ..you have all our blessings to grow up into a  Wise human being.

Thank God - we have you for our son :)
Love you dear.

Day 4/100 - From the Toy town of India

Channapatna – which translates to 'Toy Town'  is situated around 60 kms from Bangalore on the Bangalore – Mysore highway.Had heard of Channapatna toys from a shop in Bangalore Airport that distributed a pamphlet and a  free keychain last December when hundreds of Artisans had come for the Airport Renaming and Terminal Inauguration. So when we decided to go for a road trip to Mysore it was a natural choice to take a short break at Channapatna- for a cup of tea and to buy something for Aiden. The Rocking Horse from Channapatna is his favourite now even after having fallen head –on from it .

Since we could not spend enough time in the town to explore it for ourselves  - I googled about  Channapatna  back in office the next day – enough to know that :

• The unique craftsmanship of making toys here was introduced at the time of Tipu sultan – who invited Persian artisans to train local artisans in the making of wooden toys.
• Channapatna toys are generally crafted out of white Ivory wood and pained with organic vegetable dyes – which are safe for children.
• These toys are generally manufactured in small to medium sized units with multitude of them being run as an extension to the houses in small scale. Ladies in Channapatna are generally seen chiseling and shaping small wooden  blocks outside of their houses . These are then collected in Cycles and Rickshaws into small manufacturing units where they are polished , painted  and assembled. The ladies and artisans earn around 500 Rs a day as against Rs 70 a few years back – thanks to the involvement of NGOs  in reviving this small scale industry that was facing hard competition from cheap Chinese toys in market.
• The art has gone global in recent years with demands pouring in from countries like US / UK  providing  prototypes of modern toys .Michelle Obama who took collection of Channapatna  toys – trains , key rings ,Ganesha idols -  from a stall in Delhi when she came for a visit in 2010 – has also given a  global touch to the revival of this ancient craft.

Here is a good write ups on Channapatna and the toy making process :

http://www.beontheroad.com/2011/02/incredible-world-of-toys-at-channapatna.html

Day 3/100 - From the barber shop

Goofy ( one of the many names that I call Aidu ) is particularly paranoid of haircuts that he cries, wails , hits and kicks anyone in the vicinity if someone touches his hair for a  cut. It has been happening ever since his first haircut and has become particularly difficult to convince him for a haircut as he grow. All attempts at cajoling him for a  haircut which his grandparents , uncles , aunties and even neighbors have done has just gone vain.

With multiple  failed attempts at getting his hair cut -  even after managing to take him to the barber shop;. it is either me or his dad who gives him a haircut , which just reduces the length of hair – in no particular pattern. I've been longing to see his hair properly groomed by a professional – for the last 6-7 months.

This Sunday evening when we were planning for an evening walk ; I just had an intuition that maybe  he is no longer afraid of haircuts ; now that he is a BIG boy as he claims. So we just drove to the nearby barber shop without giving a   hint of where we were heading. It was only when I parked the car below the complex  that he asked me where we were going and I just told him we'll get something from a kids shop – which I'm sure he understood was  a lie from his otherwise less sinful mom.

When I climbed the stair to the second floor – he held my hand, looked straight into my eyes and said – "I know where we  are going ". Usually I melt at this dialogue ; but this time I kept my cool ( I'm known to overact and overdo things concerning  Aiden – which his dad and my dad complains equally -as being 'over motherly'  ) and told him "It's OK Goofy we'll be done soon". Thankfully there was no queue and I quickly placed him on the chair as soon as I could; without giving him time to protest. While the barber was making him ready for the haircut – putting an apron around his neck and some talcum powder; he mumbled "Mummy , please ask him to cut slow" – which I dramatically did with all props and frills.

 And there he was – a smart obedient little boy staying calm and cool at the high held chair; slowly tilting his head at the barbers gestures. No wonder he had a good haircut.

So; here is a pic clicked after the haircut in his new dress which we got ,  for being such a lovely champ , from the kids shop below  which I said we came to visit -  I cannot be a liar to my boy.

For now he has bid goodbye to the fear of haircuts ….My boy is growing up.

P.S: When I think back over the episodes of hair cutting accounts that we have had it reinforces to me that kids reflect our feelings most of the time. Earlier when I used to take him to the barber shop; I myself used to worry if the haircut would hurt him and would keep telling him hours in advance that he should not cry or mess up explaining to him that the barber uncle would definitely not hurt him and on and on.This time somehow I was composed and he only reflected my state of mind. 

Day 2/100 - From the Garden..

I love spending time with plants and flowers . And Gardening is one of the biggest stress busters for me. More than seeing a good , well maintained garden ( which for sure is a bliss in itself )- I enjoy the pleasure of planting , pruning , manuring and taking care of plants.
When Aidu was in Kerala last year and I had to be alone in Bangalore for the sake of work ..It was in my agenda to visit a nursery near our place every weekend.
I used to get up every day to check the well being of the plants in the garden...I love to see them grow and bloom. By 3 months of our stay in our new house ; I had 2 coconut trees, a mango tree ,
guava and pomegranate beside the less conspicuous yet beautiful flowers in my garden ( which is hardly a pinch of land ).
Probably because of the intensity of my desire to see them grow ; the plants generally grow and bloom when I'm away ( or so I feel) - most plants grew and bloomed when I was away in Singapore for three months..
I had a good collection of veggies too in the terrace and left out space on the sides of the house this year - thanks to my in-laws who were here for few months last year.
So here is a collection of pics from my garden. The Crop was not very great this year - due to the late and weak monsoon ( more to our laziness to water them regularly ) - But it was good enough to keep the momentum going - We have planned to get the next set of veggies to plant.

Day 1/100 : As he turns four..

So here I'm - reviving my blog after a break of good 5-6 months of inactivity.
Wanted to give it a last try to see if I can ever be regular on blogs...
So for now I'll start with Aiden - the smile and happiness of my life.
He completed a glorious four years last month.
We had a small cake cutting at home - few of his friends had come down and my boy was super happy to have his playmates at home.
As it is now he is a super naughty being with all plans to pull all our( read mine and my husbands )nerves at any time of the day.
The persistence he shows at disobeying us and in having his ways gets out the devil in me and I'm surprised not at his naughtiness but at the realization of the devilry of the devil in me. But his prayers with folded hands and closed eyes " Oh Jesus keep my mother sane - Yesuappe ente mummynte dheshyam okke mattane ) is often answered and I'm back to normalcy and a good laughter most of the time.
So that is how we make up after most bad fights.

And here are few pics from the cake cutting party :)

P.S: This Self declared Blogathon initiative is one of the few steps to find some time for myself - to put a schedule to otherwise busy yet non productive - haphazard lifestyle I'm currently into.

A simple matter of trust !

As usual in the last three months that she was staying with them, Jeseera woke up in the morning and was cleaning her vessals in the kitchen. The 'Aunty' who was another resident of the house , was in the bathroom which she she shared with her. Jeseera had slept late the previous night  due to some production issues in office.Those in the IT industry would know how and what it is when you have production issues to be fixed at night. Her pace was slow and she was just cleaning her vessels of the previous day while the bathroom was occupied ; just to keep her busy and also so that she could use the bathroom once Aunty was out.

Jeseera was staying as a paying guest for the last three months in their house occupying one room of the three bedroom house which was taken for rent by the Aunty's daughter and Son in law. There were two bathrooms in the house and the one near the kitchen was shared between Aunty and her. The stay was pleasant but for the difficulty she faced in communicating with Aunty since she couldn't talk in their mother tongue. But still she considered herself to have bonded well with her since it was mostly them in the Kitchen. They communicated in broken english and sign language and also shared  curry leaves , onions and the like.

Aunty just came off the bathroom , walked to the drawing room and pulled off the cover of the sofa and look something from beneath the cover and went to her room ; while she was still washing her dishes. Jeseera gave a morning greeting which she didn't seem to have heard. Aunty seemed to be in a hurry and walked off to her room. In a few seconds while she was still standing there she could hear the sound of the door being unlocked-the door of Aunty's bedroom. It took a minute for things to seep in and she wished it hadn't . Aunty had locked the room and had hid the keys beneath the sofa cover.

A very  normal thing probably. Jeseera could have just left it there. But the chain of incidents and the thoughts around it kept lingering in her mind for a long time ; hurting her somewhere deep inside. It is a small thing , a real small one - but it kept hurting her that she couldn't win their trust ! ...and trust is such an important and BIG word for her and for me ...